Desert~

I hate not having answers.  It drives me crazy.  If I ask a question, it's because I'm looking to add information to a specific train of thought...

Is it a control thing?  I don't think so.  It's more like a processing issue...

And now I'm processing the desert. 

You know, I have books about this.  Books and books - and books about this place.  They talk about Moses and his trial as a shepherd in the desert after having run away from Egypt.  And they talk about David as He waited - after having already been anointed - as the next king of Israel.  And Jesus' experience immediately following his baptism. 

I've read them all.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I rationalized and filtered everything I would do through the theories of logic, doctrine, and spiritual awareness - and yet I find I'm ill prepared.

I've always thought of the desert as a place of waiting... learning patience.  I figured I'd just sit and wait for God to move.  I could do that.  Stand firm and wait.... I never realized the endurance that actually requires.  The desert is so much more than a lonely place.

It's a dangerous place...



It's a hot place...



Devoid of water, food, or nourishment of any kind...



And right now I am heavily feeling the danger, heat, malnutrition, AND lonliness that comes with this place. 

Standing firm requires more than just a decision to do so.  It requires a hefty amount of endurance in the midst of struggle.  It's a very hard place, and I can honestly say that I have underestimated it's assault.

You know, the beautiful thing about David was that there were no false pretenses.  I have a feeling that he was the type of person that felt things very deeply.  His highs were really high, and his lows were really low.  Let's not indulge in the debate as to whether it's appropriate to live by our emotions - and let's move forward to the recognition that God made us as emotional creatures.  Do we base our decisions on our feelings?  Of course not, but emotions are not the curse of humanity to be shoved into the abyss of all things wrong with God's created.  And that's another post for another day.....

David was emotional.  David was also very precious to God.  We've heard it quoted hundreds, maybe thousands of times.  He was a "man after God's own heart."

To revist - the question that was left in yesterday's post was - what do I do when I'm already weary?

And the answer (cue trumpets - or shofar's if you like - parades of tassel dripping circus elephants, acrobats, and a really long drum roll...)

Nothing.

Enter Psalm 6 - written by David
O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
         Nor chasten me in Your wrath.
      ²Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away;
         Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed.
      ³And my soul is greatly dismayed;
         But You, O LORD--how long?
      ⁴Return, O LORD, rescue my soul;
         Save me because of Your lovingkindness.
      ⁵For there is no mention of You in death;
         In Sheol who will give You thanks?
      ⁶I am weary with my sighing;
         Every night I make my bed swim,
         I dissolve my couch with my tears.
      ⁷My eye has wasted away with grief;
         It has become old because of all my adversaries.
      ⁸Depart from me, all you who do iniquity,
         For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.
      ⁹The LORD has heard my supplication,
         The LORD receives my prayer.
      ¹⁰All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed;
         They shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

Do you know why I love this?  2 reasons.

First, David is gut-wrenchingly honest.  He's a warrior king, known for a monarchy that was unafraid of battle.  He surrounded himself with mighty men, and he didn't seem to know what it meant to shy away from a fight.  But here?  He's weeping.  He's broken and desperate....  That's honest.  He's vulnerable and weary, and knows the absolute truth that no one can help him but the Lord.  Our manly man is pouring out his heart in frustration, heaviness and discouragement.  To me, it makes him relatable.

Second, in an instant it's over.  Do you see it?  Look between verses 7 and 8.  In 7 he's wasted away with grief.  Sounds pretty weary to me.  And in 8, he raises up as strong, knowing that God has heard him in his weeping.  What happened?!

Matthew 11:28 - Come to me you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
Jeremiah 31:25 - For I satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes.

And then there's my favorite...

Isaiah 40: 29-31
      He gives strength to the weary,
         And to him who lacks might He increases power.
      Though youths grow weary and tired,
         And vigorous young men stumble badly,
      Yet those who wait for the LORD
         Will gain new strength;
         They will mount up with wings like eagles,
         They will run and not get tired,
         They will walk and not become weary.

So what do we do when we're weary?  Nothing.  We wait.  In other words - stand firm.  God will refresh ~ God will surprise you with is peace and comfort ~ God will strengthen the heart of the broken.

And when He does it... it's not trite.  It's not a cliche.  It's miraculous.

That doesn't change my deep dark crevice at this immediate moment... but maybe it will in the next immediate moment.  Isn't that what the Lord did?  One verse he's wasting away and the next he's been filled with a power that supercedes all expectations.  It's like the passage in Revelation (20:7-9) where Satan has been released from his prison and takes the time to deceive the nations, gathering support from the 'four corners of the earth'.....  (obviously, this would take some time).... in order to make war against the Lord.  Picture it - they march on to war.  They come to the beloved city and they surround.  It takes 2 1/2 verses to build this picture.  It's intimidating.  Their numbers are enormous.  They've taken their time, gathered their resources and now they're mad and filled with evil.  Suddenly - fire falls from heaven and devours them all.

Did you get that?  1/2 a verse and everything that the enemy has spent so much time building is wiped out and eternity spins on the much awaited pivot.  It means that I can trust that there will be a "suddenly" that will soon invade this season, pull my heart out of this weary broken place, and will fill me with hope.  David was in the throws of despair.  We don't even know what the Lord did, but in less than a verse, God refreshed his spirit and David turned on the pivot.

I believe it with my entire being - God will intervene.  And I feel encouraged as I wait for Him....  He's coming.

When You've Done All~

Have you ever been faced with a place in your life where you know that something drastic has to change?  I'm there. 

I can't explain it.  I don't know why I'm here.  I'm not sure how I got here, but it's a horrible ugly place.  Now, I know that as a child of God I have the wonderful privilege of being hated by the enemy.  Yes, friends, there is a very real enemy who longs for nothing more than to destroy you.  It's a wonderful thing to be hated by him... because it means I must be loved by God.  That's another post for another day...

And we know in our heads that life's journey is not about flat ground - but is full of 'mountains' and 'valleys.' 

But when you're in the valley, it's awful.  It sort of reminds me of those wilderness survival shows where the guy is trying to use ingenuity and a few scrap pieces in order to live until help arrives.  Yeah - that's where I've been. 

Right now, mines not really a valley.  It's more like the crevice that drops 100 feet into a dark hole below the valley.  The most frustrating thing about it is that I can't put my finger on what pushed me over that edge.  For months I've been reminding myself that Scripture shows us that God's favor rests on those who are obedient to Him.  It's clear in so many places - blessings follow obedience, and curses follow disobedience.  Curses???  That's such a scary word.  How 'bout this - 'consequences'.  Much better.

We get that.  Cause and Effect.  If - then statements.  Ball goes up, must come down.  If I don't pay taxes, then I will go to jail.  If you don't go to your college classes, then you'll be paying for your failure.  If the enemy hates me so badly - it must mean I'm greatly loved by the Lord.    

When I was in school, during my Old Testament Survey course, my professor opened my eyes to something I had been completely in the dark about.  There are different types of wisdom.  (Incidentally, he probably said it much more eloquently than I ever could). 

Basically - you have the standard wisdom of - ball goes up, ball comes down.  These are principles noted in scripture such as the beginning of Deuteronomy.  If you obey, God will bless you.  If you disobey, there are consequences.  It's the thought process that rose up in Jesus' disciples when they asked Jesus:

"Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"

But there's another level of wisdom that we all have trouble understanding.  It's a level of wisdom that is deeper than rational scientific thought.  It says, ball goes up - and might hang out there for awhile, giving you the opportunity to recognize that God is in control of the movement of the ball in the first place.   It's the answer to the question:

"It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

So as I look around at the dark crevice below the valley that I seem to be in right now, I have to ask myself the question - is this conventional wisdom?  or is this Spiritual wisdom?  ...  I have searched Him out.  I have prayed and prayed and cried and cried, and I cannot come up with any answers as to why I'm in this place.  It's even debatable whether or not I have the right to question God like that, but along with being my sovereign King, He's also my Father.  And Christ my brother.  And in Jesus' pattern for me, He showed Himself crying out for answers, too.  Psalm 22:1 - "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

Do you ever feel that way? 
Is your valley(crevice) experience ever overwhelming and you can't put your finger on how you got there or why it seems you've been abandoned?  Do you ever get weary, waiting for the blessings and favor to show up?  You know they've got to be coming - you've been obedient - and it's a solid principle.  Sow good seed, get good fruit.  So you wait.... and wait..... and fight off the crows.....  You quote the scriptures to yourself to remind yourself that God is never late.  You recount all the times in the past when He has been faithful and come through.  But you're getting tired.  And those crows are relentless... and your body is sore from having to be so strong.  Your arms are heavy.  Your mind is heavy.  Your spirit is heavy. 

I could write something along the lines of - hold fast, help is on the way.  I could tell you of all the passages where God has demonstrated His faithfulness for others.  I could tell you of all the amazing things He has done in the lives of those around us.  People have told me all things things lately. 

If I'm being honest - I would say that it makes me more lonely.  I just keep thinking, He's worked - He's moved on the behalf of others - He's been faithful to so many others.... so what's wrong with me?  Why am I here alone in this smelly crevice that is dank and cold and ominously dark?  Why am I weary with no intervention?  I cannot win.... I cannot even fight anymore.  I know it's not my battle and victory would belong to Him anyway, but it doesn't even look like anyone is fighting at all.  (I think this to myself as the proverbial tumbleweed goes rolling over the top of the crevice, dropping dust and sand into my eyes as it rolls on by). 

Will God come through?  Of course He will.  But what, on earth, am I supposed to learn from this?  If I'm still here, what have I missed? 

The word says in Galatians 6:9 "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  And again in 2 Thessalonians 3:13 "But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary of doing good."  But how???  How do you keep from growing weary???

I love Ephesians.  I really do. 
(6:13) "Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm...... (verse 14) STAND FIRM THEN..."

And then there's my favorite passage - Hebrews 12:3 - "For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  That's fantastic!  Focus on Jesus who has endured so much more than I have.  Yes!!!

But what about the fact that I'm already weary?  We've established that the fighting off of the crows is just about over because every ounce of strength, focus, and stamina is just about used up.  And we all know that I can't up and climb out of this crevice on my own.  I'm tired.  I don't understand.  I can't rationalize what's happening... Hebrews tells me what to do to prevent weariness, but what about when I'm already so broken apart?......Where's the encouraging payoff to this post? 

It's coming.... tomorrow.  

  

Pursuit in the Fire~

I really need to write a post about what it means to pursue when you are in the middle of the fire.  I'm there right now...  and when I come out of this furnace my first intent is to honor God with His victory.  For now, I'm walking this out.  I'm holding to faith.  I'm struggling and fighting off discouragement.  I'm trying to learn from those who have been here.  I'm crying at the feet of my Savior.  I'm filling my mind with all that I know He has been - and ...

I'm reminding myself that He's the same yesterday, today, and forever. 

I'm reminding myself that He loves me, and hasn't abandoned me... that the fire will not last forever - though it certainly feels like it already has.....  that He knows me, and loves me, and pursues me too. 

I'm reminding myself that I can't grow weary in well-doing, though it would be so easy to fall apart.... and that God has given me what I need to prevent that weariness - Hebrews 12-13, among others....... that, there is a reward for those who will diligently seek Him.

But this fire? - it's rather hot.  I actually had a dream that lasted all night.  It was a long night and every time I fell back asleep it was the same.  And when I got up in the morning it was the same.  It was a song - running through my mind.  Not even a song, really.  Just a phrase of a song.  It was like a creepy hook that played over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over..... the lyrics are:

You're not good enough
You'll never be...

This has been going on for weeks now, and I'm starting to get battle-weary.  I suppose that is the very essence of pursuit through the fire. 

What I've learned...

There are a few things that I can say that I've learned about myself over the past few weeks.  And a few things that I've learned about life, too.  Next week I'll have a post that's pretty in-depth about the state our family has been in for the past couple of weeks, but I wanted to write something here...

Something specific...

Something of a revelation....

What is a revelation?  I think it's when your heart suddenly fully comprehends an increased depth about something that you've already known in your head.  I don't want to spend too much time here, but I'll give a quick example.  I know that God loves me - but I can point to a few specific moments in my life when it was a revelation to me.  At that time, it wasn't that I was ignorant - just that I wasn't able to comprehend or feel how much that God's loved touched every single area of my life.  When the revelation struck my heart, I was completely overwhelmed.  And I do mean completely!

Here's my something of a revelation - having a quiet time in the morning is a good thing.

Duh!  I know - everyone knows this.  I knew it, too.  Day after day I would hear the alarm blaring at 5am, and day after day I would lay there for "just a couple more minutes."  I'm ashamed.  I know it's awful.  I should be wired and fired excited to get up and spend a quiet hour with the Lord before my house turns into a bussel of chaos as we try to get everyone out the door for work and school. 

And if I exposed myself here, I would tell you that I actually do love that time.  Truly.  But I hate getting up that early.  I don't know what it is.

Anyway, these past few weeks I've made the commitment to 'crucify' the stubborness that wants to keep my head on the lovely feather pillow.  I've made strong determinations to do it.  And I have done it.  Steadily.  And I've found that this quiet little sacrifice has radically changed everything about my day.  You know, it's just a lot more Christlike.  Not that I'm boasting, because I know that there's a lot more Christlikeness that needs to develope in me - just ask my husband.  But I find myself leaning toward better reactions to life.

And then this morning happened. 

In all my stubborn determination to get myself out of bed, when for some reason I was exceptionally tired, I was late.  Ok, I reasoned.  Well, I won't get as much time as I wanted to - but I'll have plenty of time to pray for my husband, then my children, and then my ministry and business.  Out of bed I climbed - turned on Pandora radio to a Fernando Ortega station (perfect for the 5am hour!) and sat in the same spot on the same couch that I've been sitting when I meet with the Lord on these quiet mornings. 

Literally - as soon as I opened my mouth to pray, I hear footsteps.  That's the baby.... and then heavier footsteps... that's the young man.  Out they come, bright eyed and ready to go - the baby running a 102.6 fever, and the 8 year old with his Nintendo game system, wanting his little brother to play with him. 

Where does all that energy come from?  I usually have to PRY him out of his bed to get ready for school.  And before I could force my brain through that, I wonder why moment, the baby was spilling his apple juice on me. 

Ah yes - do you know what the grace of God is?  He gave it to me this morning, as I calmly and gently dried off, and sent them back to their room to play quietly so that I could have a few minutes alone.  It did not go unnoticed, however, that when the day usually starts off like that, it doesn't normally go very well.  I prayed quickly for my husband and children - and it was time to start the chaos routine. 

And then I realized - maybe I didn't have an hour this morning.  But the Lord has given me grace all day long.  Having that time with the Lord every other day has prepared my spirit to respond to life so that, even when that quiet time gets interrupted, I still can hold to the character that Christ is building in me.  I love that.

Thank you, Lord, that you have given me the opportunity to meet with you in the mornings.  And thank you that when things go haywire and it doesn't go the way it should, there is grace to help me through.  Because I have a relationship with you, I don't need to worry about mornings like today.  I trust in your ability to hold me near, even when the baby is sick and fevered when I've set time aside to meet with you.

You are not limited to my hour of prayer, and your hand is not held back ... my heart desires you!

Teaching the baby ~

Okay, so she's not really a baby, actually.  My little girl is growing up so fast, and last night was one of the times when I really noticed. 

The boys had gone to bed, and we were sitting on the couch together.  Just me and my girl.  There is a book that I have decided to read to her called The Power of a Praying Kid by Stormie Omartian, and this was our first night.  I would read awhile, and she would ask questions - all the while I could really feel the open, honest, reality of God's love and affection for her very present in that moment. 

We started talking about how precious she is to God, and I saw the tears welling up in her eyes.  I told her how much he loves her, and that he's always close to her.  She asked Jesus into her heart several years ago, but this was a new moment for her.  It was a revelation.  As we talked, I noticed her curiosity about God was incredible, but the things that really reached her were the personal, intimate things that He is to her.  When I told her that she could pray and He would always listen, even if she were praying silently in her head, she was so filled with joy that tears fell as she giggled. 

Have you ever been that overwhelmed with joy?  - so much that you laugh and cry at the same time?  I have. 

I sent her off to bed and when I stepped down the hall to check on her some minutes later, I could hear her whispering.  I smiled.  She was taking another step in her pursuit. 

God and Sinner Reconciled

“God and Sinner Reconciled”

Sometimes I think that being ‘in’ to Christmas is more of a cliché than a real state of mind for most people.  With the word “Christmas” comes a wide range of responses.  Mention it too early and people will roll their eyes, and a sudden faint look of dread will overshadow their countenance.  With others, their faces light up as they start talking about all the reasons why it is absolutely euphoric. 

We see it everywhere.  “Reason for the Season”

I’m a Christmas nut – my family knows it.  We have three decorated trees, we listen to all varieties of Christmas music, and normally we have cookies up to our eyeballs!  My heart literally yearns for the get-togethers.  It only happens once a year, unless there are other dramatic circumstances.  I love the cards – the pictures – 

You get it.  I love it.

And, obviously, I love the opportunity for worship that we have during the Advent season.  It’s beautiful to me!

But as I was driving to work the other day, I was listening to one of the most familiar Christmas carols I know.  Hark the Herald…  Now, most of the time I just enjoy the familiarity of the song, but for some reason I decided to engage with what the words were speaking.  Then came the line:

God and sinners reconciled

Suddenly, I began to feel the stinging familiarity of tears as I felt myself become overwhelmed with the idea that Jesus – glorious King – supreme Creator – would humble Himself to the point that He would willingly be born of, and into, His very own creation.  And as if that weren’t enough, He would be rejected….scorned…..abused by the very souls for which He was providing salvation.  He started out being rejected, and thus banished to a stable. 

But when I imagine the scene…. There are no words for how amazed my senses become. 

The ink black night, shepherds silently resting, listening to the soft bleat of meager sheep.  The average night with its dark sky….can you imagine how it started?  Was it a burst of light and glory?  Or did it slowly become visible until it was as bright as day.  Then the angel appeared – I wonder if his voice was like a roar?  Or was it soft and gentle?  Can you see the joy in his face?  After all, he knows that the plan of redemption – the plan of the ages – is taking its next step.  God is redeeming man! 

And then the sky is suddenly filled with a mighty host of angels.  A HOST!!!  Imagine the power of the voices of a host of angels – All singing praises to that Baby King and His Father!  What that must have sounded like!  What it must have looked like! 

The redeemer has come.  He’s reconciled us.  I once was lost but now I’m found.  I once was blind but now I see.  God and sinners reconciled.  And with Mary’s words in Luke 1 I resonate:

My soul does magnify the Lord

And my Spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior!