When You've Done All~

Have you ever been faced with a place in your life where you know that something drastic has to change?  I'm there. 

I can't explain it.  I don't know why I'm here.  I'm not sure how I got here, but it's a horrible ugly place.  Now, I know that as a child of God I have the wonderful privilege of being hated by the enemy.  Yes, friends, there is a very real enemy who longs for nothing more than to destroy you.  It's a wonderful thing to be hated by him... because it means I must be loved by God.  That's another post for another day...

And we know in our heads that life's journey is not about flat ground - but is full of 'mountains' and 'valleys.' 

But when you're in the valley, it's awful.  It sort of reminds me of those wilderness survival shows where the guy is trying to use ingenuity and a few scrap pieces in order to live until help arrives.  Yeah - that's where I've been. 

Right now, mines not really a valley.  It's more like the crevice that drops 100 feet into a dark hole below the valley.  The most frustrating thing about it is that I can't put my finger on what pushed me over that edge.  For months I've been reminding myself that Scripture shows us that God's favor rests on those who are obedient to Him.  It's clear in so many places - blessings follow obedience, and curses follow disobedience.  Curses???  That's such a scary word.  How 'bout this - 'consequences'.  Much better.

We get that.  Cause and Effect.  If - then statements.  Ball goes up, must come down.  If I don't pay taxes, then I will go to jail.  If you don't go to your college classes, then you'll be paying for your failure.  If the enemy hates me so badly - it must mean I'm greatly loved by the Lord.    

When I was in school, during my Old Testament Survey course, my professor opened my eyes to something I had been completely in the dark about.  There are different types of wisdom.  (Incidentally, he probably said it much more eloquently than I ever could). 

Basically - you have the standard wisdom of - ball goes up, ball comes down.  These are principles noted in scripture such as the beginning of Deuteronomy.  If you obey, God will bless you.  If you disobey, there are consequences.  It's the thought process that rose up in Jesus' disciples when they asked Jesus:

"Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"

But there's another level of wisdom that we all have trouble understanding.  It's a level of wisdom that is deeper than rational scientific thought.  It says, ball goes up - and might hang out there for awhile, giving you the opportunity to recognize that God is in control of the movement of the ball in the first place.   It's the answer to the question:

"It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

So as I look around at the dark crevice below the valley that I seem to be in right now, I have to ask myself the question - is this conventional wisdom?  or is this Spiritual wisdom?  ...  I have searched Him out.  I have prayed and prayed and cried and cried, and I cannot come up with any answers as to why I'm in this place.  It's even debatable whether or not I have the right to question God like that, but along with being my sovereign King, He's also my Father.  And Christ my brother.  And in Jesus' pattern for me, He showed Himself crying out for answers, too.  Psalm 22:1 - "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

Do you ever feel that way? 
Is your valley(crevice) experience ever overwhelming and you can't put your finger on how you got there or why it seems you've been abandoned?  Do you ever get weary, waiting for the blessings and favor to show up?  You know they've got to be coming - you've been obedient - and it's a solid principle.  Sow good seed, get good fruit.  So you wait.... and wait..... and fight off the crows.....  You quote the scriptures to yourself to remind yourself that God is never late.  You recount all the times in the past when He has been faithful and come through.  But you're getting tired.  And those crows are relentless... and your body is sore from having to be so strong.  Your arms are heavy.  Your mind is heavy.  Your spirit is heavy. 

I could write something along the lines of - hold fast, help is on the way.  I could tell you of all the passages where God has demonstrated His faithfulness for others.  I could tell you of all the amazing things He has done in the lives of those around us.  People have told me all things things lately. 

If I'm being honest - I would say that it makes me more lonely.  I just keep thinking, He's worked - He's moved on the behalf of others - He's been faithful to so many others.... so what's wrong with me?  Why am I here alone in this smelly crevice that is dank and cold and ominously dark?  Why am I weary with no intervention?  I cannot win.... I cannot even fight anymore.  I know it's not my battle and victory would belong to Him anyway, but it doesn't even look like anyone is fighting at all.  (I think this to myself as the proverbial tumbleweed goes rolling over the top of the crevice, dropping dust and sand into my eyes as it rolls on by). 

Will God come through?  Of course He will.  But what, on earth, am I supposed to learn from this?  If I'm still here, what have I missed? 

The word says in Galatians 6:9 "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  And again in 2 Thessalonians 3:13 "But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary of doing good."  But how???  How do you keep from growing weary???

I love Ephesians.  I really do. 
(6:13) "Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm...... (verse 14) STAND FIRM THEN..."

And then there's my favorite passage - Hebrews 12:3 - "For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  That's fantastic!  Focus on Jesus who has endured so much more than I have.  Yes!!!

But what about the fact that I'm already weary?  We've established that the fighting off of the crows is just about over because every ounce of strength, focus, and stamina is just about used up.  And we all know that I can't up and climb out of this crevice on my own.  I'm tired.  I don't understand.  I can't rationalize what's happening... Hebrews tells me what to do to prevent weariness, but what about when I'm already so broken apart?......Where's the encouraging payoff to this post? 

It's coming.... tomorrow.