Thursday, June 2, 2011

Do you ever feel like you're desperately craving meaning?  Purpose?

I do.  I feel that way right now. 

I look at my life and for some reason it feels empty.  I know it's not.  I mean, I have this great investment that I'm making in my children, my husband, and my church.  But could it be more?  Could I do more?  How many times have my children been talking to the back of my head because my face has been planted toward this monitor that's in front of me now. 

(Disclaimer made - they're all sleeping right now, so I'm not neglecting anyone to bear my soul).

This was such a huge revelation to me today.  I had to work from home today, and it's great that I can do that when I must, but it has kept my attention very focussed.  Just a little while ago, Evan was having a war with his castles and knights, and he kept trying to tell me about what good guys were left, and what the bad guys did.  Here I sat, monitor in front of my eyes, answering him without looking at him.  All at once I was heartbroken!  Really heartbroken!  I was multi-tasking my son. 

It was like it hit me all at once.  One big ugly second had me understanding exactly what I was doing, thinking about how often I do it, and being completely ashamed.  I stopped.  I turned and focussed as he told me that Obi-Wan had beat up Darth Maul and Batman died when he tried to tear down the castle.  His blue eyes danced as he obviously 'ate up' the attention.  Why don't I do that so much more often?

I don't really know what's going on.  I just know that my life feels like it's a bit empty.  There's a change I need to make.  A few steps I need to take, and I'm not exactly sure of what they need to be yet.  I just....

.... I just.... I want my life to be significant.  Not because I want to make a name for myself, but because I have this burning need to invest in people.  It's so difficult to explain.  I look over my time, and how I spend my time, and I wonder how much of it is self-serving.... and how much of it is Kingdom serving. 

I have a gut feeling about where this is headed, but I don't want to put the cart before the horse.  I'm going to wait on God, keep on pursuing, and pray.  Pray about the path, the turns, the shifts, and certainly pray about what this is inside of me that is starting to whisper about the winds of change...
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