Desperation

There are no words to describe the place that I've been in lately.  I heard a song today that seemed to explain it perfectly. 

"To know You is to want to know You more."

That's just it.  It's a beautiful place to be longing for the presence of God in your life.  It's desperation.  Hunger.  Thirst.  It's a ravenous need to be connected to the Savior King who calls us Friend. 

I once heard a man make the argument that we should never be desperate for God.  He rationalized that God has given us everything we need in order to commune with Him, and therefore to be desperate is to not grab hold of what God has already offered us through His Son Jesus Christ. 

I cannot disagree more.  It sounds good.  The statement that God has given us everything we need in order to commune with Him is absolutely true.  Through the cross He has made a way for us to live in an actively engaged relationship with Him.  But I have known what it means to be desperate....I know it right now.... and to be in the midst of a battle when I needed God to intervene on my behalf.  And I have longed to be with Him more than I have ever wanted to be with anyone in my life.  I have loved Him when I couldn't sense or feel His presence around me, and in those times I have been overwhelmingly desperate - just to hear His sweet voice, to feel the warmth of His presence around me.   He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). 

We are humanity.  And He is Divine.  How can we not be desperate?  I have known people absolutely desperate for God to heal.  I have heard their desperation through their songs and prayers.  I've seen the people of God pursue.  Seeking.  Desperately seeking.  One of my professors once said that the closer he got to God the farther he felt he had to go.  I didn't understand that at first, but as my life grows more deeply attached to Jesus, it makes so much sense.   The more I know Him, the more amazing I see that He is - the more I absolutely adore Him - the more I desperately long to run to Him.

It's funny, my kids demonstrate this all the time to me.  Sometimes it just seems like I have velcro attached to me, and they can't get close enough.  Ethan's four years old, and there are some times when he just can't get close enough.  I watched him do this with his daddy just last night.  They were fine all evening - nothing spectacular.  Just family.  And then Ethan got closer to his daddy.  They started to play.  And then - as Ethan got closer, he just wasn't close enough.  He had to completely monopolize his daddy's attention.  It wasn't enough to play WITH daddy.  He had to play ON daddy - and the wrestling  began.  I've said it before, as I squeezed him super tight, "Am I close enough, Ethan?"  He always says "no." 

It doesn't make sense to people who haven't experienced it, and that's okay.  I just know that I have never been so at peace in my life as the times when I am pursuing God.  Desperately pursuing. 

But is He not desperate for us?  Does He not pursue us?  Did He not pursue me?  Was He not standing at my door, knocking... calling to me?!  Calling my name?  Did He not pursue you?  Shall we not desperately pursue Him together?!

Can you believe that?  We are His prize just as He is ours!  He sent is sinless, perfect Son to suffer and die so that the absolute wretch that I am could be rescued and brought to Him.  He suffered for me.  I was His treasure.  I'm still His treasure!  He pursued me when I rebelled.  He opened doors for me to find Him when I wasn't even looking for Him.  He knocked on MY door. 

Here's the deal.  I lead worship for a small church in a very small town in the middle of the country.  It's where God has placed me - I know this more than I know anything else in my life.  These are the people I'm given to minister to.  And I love them.  But not because they're beautiful, rich, or even spiritually attentive.  They are a broken people.  They have been despondent.  As I get to know each one of them I can hear the struggle that has marked their lives - scrounging to make ends meet.  Watching their own children being broken by the consequences of their life-choices.  When Derrick and I first started ministering with these people I was always overwhelmed with how hurt, broken, and devastated they were.  If anyone needed God - it was them. 

They were already in church, and yet the power of the Spirit of God seemed like a pie-in- the-sky fairytale that was meant for everyone but them.  Just thinking about it now breaks my heart.  Have you ever felt that way?  Like the promises and the good things that God has given to His people were for everyone else but you?  I have.  During the seasons when my faith is tested - it's easy to feel like everything I do and believe is out of sheer will, because the blessings and favor were destined for someone else.    

But did God send Christ for those who were not in need?  Are these not the meek of the earth?  A broken people who have been ravaged by pain.   Did He send the Healer for those who are well?  No - but He sent the Healer.  Sickness, brokenness and pain - there is a Healer, and He wants to heal.  Think of the woman with the issue of blood in Mark.  She pursued when Jesus was headed someplace else entirely.   Think of the man with the demon possessed son - Jesus said "All things are possible to him who believes."  The response? - "I BELIEVE! HELP MY UNBELIEF!"  (Oh, how many times I have cried this.)  Then my Jesus brought restoration - saving, healing, deliverance - to the man's brokenness and tormented son.

I have had the amazing privilege of ministering in some remarkable places, and I would not be who I am today if it were not for those experiences.  So I can say from my heart that I know God longs to pour His Spirit out on all flesh.  Here, though, I've met a people who adamantly hold on to the knowledge that Jesus is the Son of God , but they almost can't imagine that the blessings and the favor of God could ever apply to them.  When we worship together, the idea that God is present - and not just present for the sake of receiving adoration - but with the intent of loving on and meeting the needs of His children - it's just now becoming a reality to them.  It was so SO foreign.  God touching His people was as much a fairytale to these as I'm sure the Israelite people felt during the 400 years of silence between Malachi and Matthew.

But recently things have changed.   I have felt the power of His presence almost tangible in the room during our times of honest, open worship.  In the past 6 months I have seen men who were strong, resolute, power-houses weeping in adoration as they, for the first time, felt the affection of their tender Father.  The atmosphere absolutely full of grace - you could feel it!  And the freedom that came from that forgiveness ..........there are no words to describe that. 

This is probably not making much sense right now - I'm bawling as I write.  Just thinking about the awe-inspiring favor of God toward His children.  His broken, hurting, visionless children. 

Oh God - I resonate with Isaiah when he wrote - "Oh that You would rend the heavens and come down!" (64:1).  I don't ever want a relationship of distant satisfaction - but God I long for you.  I'm desperate for you.  And not just for your healings, or blessings, - but Father I desperately long just to be close to You.  And to know the beauty of the love you give to me!  Oh - you made a wretch your treasure.  You gave Your sacred Son to be wounded so that I could pursue You.  O Lord, forgive me for the times I have been complacent.  Arrogant.  Proud.  And distant.    Forgive me for the times I thought I had this whole thing figured out.  I ask you to forgive me for all the times I have failed You and Lord, for the times I have not respected You, honored You, glorified You. 

And God - I ask you to empower me to pursue You more!  By Your grace I will run the race for YOU are the prize!  The treasure, the gift, of seeing You absolutely overwhelms me.  Will you show Yourself to me?  Will You allow Yourself to be found by me?  I know You will - You said "Seek and you will find.  Knock and the door will be opened." 

I'm seeking.  I'm knocking.  I'm pursuing Jesus through grace.  Desperately pursuing.  And I'm more alive than I've ever been in my life before!

Paul wrote - (Philippians 3:7+) "But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord....(14) I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."  And to the Corinthians he wrote, (9:24)"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize?  Run in such a way that you may win (Italics mine)." 

Paul was writing of desperation.  Many run in a race - but there's one more desperate for the prize, and he wins.  Desperation was the Syrophoenician woman pleading with Jesus to heal her daughter who pursued and pursued until He taught her what it meant to be rewarded for her quest.  And the woman who pleaded with the Judge for justice and she was rewarded for her persistence and faith. 

After all,  He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. (Proverbs 8:17; Hebrews 11:6)  To diligently seek is to desperately pursue.